I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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