I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
