u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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