it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
