Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
