i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
