going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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