The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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