Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
