This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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