So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
