Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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