also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
