right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
