i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
