Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
