Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
