Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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