So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
