3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
