I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
