my soul wont recognize me after tonight
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
