Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
