Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Success! We fucked roommates!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
