I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
