mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
