Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize