My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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