Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
