I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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