hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
pray to the hookup gods
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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