piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
