goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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