Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
