I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
