We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just forgot I was standing up.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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