Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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