Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
