so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
