My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
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so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
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So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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