I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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