He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Pants are for mortals
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
