your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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