Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
