Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.