worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY