My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
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He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
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Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water