Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
