hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
