I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
