i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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