apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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