Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
