Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize