Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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