Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
